Remorse

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Today I can’t help but feeling like I made a horrible mistake. I slept in until noon, because I was up so late last night. I seriously can’t remember the last time I was up that late, I think it was probably before I went into the hospital the last time. I feel like half of the day has been wasted and the rest of the day is about to follow in its footsteps. It’s like something is slipping away. I don’t really know what to do about it.

I did at least manage to get out of bed, even though the second I got up I was filled with regret for allowing that to happen. Have a vague plan for getting the house in order over the weekend but now I feel like I’ve been knocked off kilter. I did manage to gather a bunch of trash throughout the house so at least there’s that. But even if I do have an ounce of gumption somewhere deep down to do anything else, I’m worried about hurting my hand.

Mostly I just feel like I f***** up, and I really don’t know how to accept that instead of just sitting here chastising myself over and over until the whole weekend is wasted.

I’m also kind of upset that my calm euphoria after getting the tattoo has worn off so quickly. Or not even really that it wore off but that I let myself get caught up in the excitement and let my guard down just enough to get my sleep schedule off pattern and cause this domino reaction.

I feel disappointed in myself about it really. I don’t regret getting the tattoo. I absolutely love it. I guess I just forgot how closely I have to manage every single feeling I have, just to keep it from getting out of hand or spiraling out of control. So now I just feel like a depressed lump of nothingness. And oddly ashamed too.

Plus, I’m so wrapped up in trying to figure out my feelings that I can’t seem to move forward.

This little “write what you feel every day” project is also making me realize that even though I’m on meds, going to therapy,  staying out of the hospital, working, and mostly functioning (well, going through the absolute minimal required motions of life) my distorted thinking or just thinking in general takes over just about every aspect of every day. And that sucks.

I really just wanted to clean my house in PJs while watching football this weekend.  Is that really too much to ask?

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About catrionalunsford

Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder at 17, Generalized Anxiety Disorder at 23, made it to 29 until I ended up at a mental facility, and just now at 30 really attempting to accept, treat, cope, and survive. The journey has been, and I'm sure will continue to be, horrifically awful and bizarrely hilarious all at once.

3 responses »

  1. I feel guilty for feeling shity some days, after what I went through. BUT I have such a drive to live life to the “lees” it quickly disipates….overwhelmed by endorphines maybe? Love ya loads…Uncle Brian xx

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  2. I can identify with the ups and downs and feeling of remorse. Take it moment by moment. Some days are better than others.
    When I’m fully aware, I can tell when the mania starts to swell when I want things NOW. It’s one of my signs. I have to work at breathing and backing away., and it’s tough when I’m in the cycle. If I don’t back away, the next day is usually difficult, filled with name calling and regret.
    I’ve learned to take those days in chunks. Chase the negative thoughts away; take a shower; do something that gives you a new perspective. Or just veg out in front of a good Netflix show. šŸ˜‰

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  3. Grrl you were made perfectly. When you surmount this epic sadness/anger thing you b will have a focused purpose. Just let shit flow in one ear and out your nostrils. Do not glue yourself to any thought. It’s what lays in between the thoughts (that act like anchors. Feed yourself a completely new surrounding or one that you never go to and just n put pen to paper and i promise “it” will expel the over filled dumpster in your mind for a new one. Decide what goes in this dumpster. You at this point will conquer a nee kingdom.

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