Edit

Trying to convince myself that at 9:30 PM after spending an exhausting day out with family is NOT the best time to feng-shui my apartment just because I opened up an old magazine article.

Just chill in PJs and watch Dancing with the Stars like a normal person, why don’t ya?

I really feel like the coffee table should be closer to the window.

I also really feel like I should do the dishes and clean the cat litter first.

I assume I’ll do nothing and just go to bed feeling unaccomplished and uneasy as usual.

Who knows?

I’m stupidly sad and lethargic. Jumbled and muffled emotions. Feel like I’m holding back hot quiet tears but don’t know why. Don’t even want the freshly imported Cadbury’s chocolate on my couch. I’m choosing to blame it on my period starting today for the sake of sanity. Any other option, including depression, is too depressing.

Grandeur

I took my vitals this morning at the office and my BP is almost back to normal and my pulse is finally under 100.

I forgot to take my klonopin this morning and now I’m tense and a little confused – couldn’t make a decision about lunch so I just didn’t eat. Plus my stomach is all wonky anyway.

So though it seems I’m slowly swinging out of the manic/mixed episode I keep catching myself having not quite delusions of, but definitely random plans for grandeur.

For example I was just listening to an NPR piece on the ISIS situation and somehow jumped to the idea of writing an op-ed for the Jordan Times (I do at least know one of their reporters, so it’s not totally far-fetched) about how America could learn lessons from Jordan in regard to unity and pluralism in face of a crisis – and hey, wouldn’t it be cool if that article got picked up by a US outlet and maybe eventually run in the Washington Post?

Which leads to the question of balance between “who the hell do you think you are?” and “why not?”

Remorse

Today I can’t help but feeling like I made a horrible mistake. I slept in until noon, because I was up so late last night. I seriously can’t remember the last time I was up that late, I think it was probably before I went into the hospital the last time. I feel like half of the day has been wasted and the rest of the day is about to follow in its footsteps. It’s like something is slipping away. I don’t really know what to do about it.

I did at least manage to get out of bed, even though the second I got up I was filled with regret for allowing that to happen. Have a vague plan for getting the house in order over the weekend but now I feel like I’ve been knocked off kilter. I did manage to gather a bunch of trash throughout the house so at least there’s that. But even if I do have an ounce of gumption somewhere deep down to do anything else, I’m worried about hurting my hand.

Mostly I just feel like I f***** up, and I really don’t know how to accept that instead of just sitting here chastising myself over and over until the whole weekend is wasted.

I’m also kind of upset that my calm euphoria after getting the tattoo has worn off so quickly. Or not even really that it wore off but that I let myself get caught up in the excitement and let my guard down just enough to get my sleep schedule off pattern and cause this domino reaction.

I feel disappointed in myself about it really. I don’t regret getting the tattoo. I absolutely love it. I guess I just forgot how closely I have to manage every single feeling I have, just to keep it from getting out of hand or spiraling out of control. So now I just feel like a depressed lump of nothingness. And oddly ashamed too.

Plus, I’m so wrapped up in trying to figure out my feelings that I can’t seem to move forward.

This little “write what you feel every day” project is also making me realize that even though I’m on meds, going to therapy,  staying out of the hospital, working, and mostly functioning (well, going through the absolute minimal required motions of life) my distorted thinking or just thinking in general takes over just about every aspect of every day. And that sucks.

I really just wanted to clean my house in PJs while watching football this weekend.  Is that really too much to ask?